As I sit down to write this I feel like my life is piling up around me. There are stacks of paper next to me and they just keep getting bigger, my 6-week old is upstairs with his grandparents, I have no idea what day it is, my eyes are bloodshot, my husband for some unfair reason still looks handsome, and none of my clothes fit. We are adjusting to life with a newborn and it is tapping into all of my reserves.
In my practice I frequently work with people who are making changes. Clients come seeking acupuncture and a medical practitioner to guide them through diet changes, navigate emotional upsets, heal from physical pain, enter into fertility treatments and affect everything from shifting small habits to big family changes… And I find that it’s easy to celebrate these clients when they’re improving, when they’re getting better and their hard work is paying off.
But what about the times in our life when the hard work is just hard, and the days run into each other and you’re not the most impressive version of yourself for a long time? How do we celebrate ourselves then? How do we quell the self-criticism and make a healthier habit out of forgiveness?
The Buddhists have a practice for this that involves visualization and is called lovingkindness. It’s a simple series of visualizations that involves conjuring up images and sending love and forgiveness to people you know and like, and then working your way down the line towards people you are ambivalent about, people you don’t like at all, and finally sending forgiveness to yourself. This last step being the most difficult of all. What is so ironic is that in Tibet and the east, they don’t even recognize the concept of self-loathing. I’m not sure if it’s because as a culture they simply don’t have time for low self esteem? For whatever reason self-acceptance is innate to easterners as a culture, and they find it completely nuts that one would not naturally and easily love themselves.
Luckily forgiveness is permeating us westerners more and more. Our own local Dr. Fred Luskin, Ph.D. of Stanford has some fascinating research called the Stanford Forgiveness Project. This first ever study of its kind, asserts that “skills-based forgiveness training may prove effective in reducing anger as a coping style, reducing perceived stress and physical health symptoms, and thereby may help reduce allostatic load (e.g., immune and cardiovascular functioning) in daily living.” He also has written a book called Forgive for Good with pointers on how to integrate little acts of forgiveness daily.
My therapist puts a twist of her own on forgiveness training by asking me to treat myself with the same forgiveness and unconditional kindness I would offer my own child. There is no room for shame or blame when looking at an innocent baby. If you don’t have a baby it works great using a pet too!
As my New Year’s Resolution this year I will be practicing intercepting the barrage of self criticism and sending forgiveness towards myself as much as I can especially when the chaos seems least manageable. By focusing on forgiveness instead of rehashing conflict or negativity, we’ll see if I can be trained. As my very wise mother who works in hospice always swears, in the end it’s all about forgiveness. Best to get good at it now.
For more on forgiveness training visit learningtoforgive.com/
