After over a decade in women’s health I can safely say that on the path to healing perfectionism is the biggest obstacle. It blocks everything; fertility, sexuality, creating healthy attachments with your kids, your connection with your friends and the divine. Here at Mama Lounge San Francisco it is also one of the most commonly revealed, and hurriedly dismissed diagnoses. This town is full of self-professed perfectionists and they will cling to this identity, well, usually until motherhood.
Here is a Zen Parable that I hope penetrates beneath that tough outer shell of needing to have it all together:
A king went to a Zen master to learn gardening. The master taught him for three years- and the king had a beautiful, bug garden- thousands of gardeners were employed there- and whatsoever the master would say, the king would go and experiment in his garden. After three years the garden was absolutely ready, and the king invited the master to come and see the garden. The king was very nervous too, because the master was strict: “Will he appreciate?” This was going to be a kind of examination. “Will he say, ‘Yes you have understood me’?”
Every care was taken. The garden was so beautifully complete, nothing was missing. Only then did the king bring the master to see. But the master was sad from the very beginning. He looked around, he moved in the garden from this side to that, he became more and more serious. The king became very frightened. He had never seen him so serious! “Why does he look sad? Is there something wrong?” he thought.
And again and again the master was shaking his head and saying to himself, “No.”
The king asked, “What is the matter, sir? What is wrong? Why don’t you tell me? You are becoming so serious and sad, and you shake your head. Why? I don’t see anything wrong, this is what you’ve been telling me and I’ve been practicing in this garden.”
The master said, “It is so finished that it is dead. It is so complete. That’s why I’m shaking my head. Where are the dead leaves? Where are the dried leaves? I don’t see a single dry leaf!” All the dry leaves were removed- on the paths there were no dry leaves; int he trees there were no dry leaves, no old leaves that had become yellow. “Where are those leaves?”
The king said, “I have told my gardeners to remove everything to make it as absolutely perfect as possible.”
And the master said, “That’s why it looks so dull. So manmade. God’s things are never finished.” And the master rushed out, outside the garden where all the dried leaves were heaped up. He brought a few dried leaves in a bucket, threw them to the winds, and the wind took them and started playing with the dry leaves and they started moving on the paths. He was delighted! “Look how alive it looks!” And sound had entered with the dry leaves, the wind playing with them. Now the garden had a whisper. Life could get through.
